A Different View of Depression

Sometimes, it is hard for those of us who suffer from depression to get out of our heads and understand the viewpoint of those who don't have depression. My friend, Kelley, who I have written about before typed a guest blog post for me today. She does not suffer from depression, but her husband does, and she offers a very well written, raw insight into life through her eyes. Thank you, Kelley, for being willing to share and open up to everyone!

Living with someone with Depression.

Things that I think:

I don’t get it.

I don’t understand it.

Can’t you just snap out of it.

Stop being so down.

Yes, we have problems but so does everyone else.

Why can’t you just be happy for once?

Why do you always look at the negative?

Things that I ask and the answers I get:

What do you want for supper? I don’t know.

How about a pizza? No, we had it last week.

What do you want to do? Nothing.

Now why are you mad? We have nothing to do.

What do you want to do? Nothing.

Why don’t we go to …? No, there will be people there

Then just stay home, I’ll go by myself. I don’t want to be home alone

Why is he depressed? It’s not my story to tell. I can tell you that living with him has not been easy at times. He hasn’t always had an easy life. It always seems when things are going well, something comes along and totally ends it. Was it our bad choices in life? Was it the things we saw, things we did wrong? I look at the disappointments in life and think, it’s meant to be. We almost bought a house in 2008. Turned it down 2 weeks before closing. Right after that, he lost his job and the economy went bad fast. There is no way we would have been able to keep that house. My view, it was a blessing in disguise. His view, he failed to provide a home for us, just like he fails at most things (which is wrong by the way). I’m happy with where we are in life. Could it be better? Sure. It could also be worse.

I haven’t lived his life. I wasn’t there for his childhood. I wasn’t there when he tried to help people on rescues, and they died anyway. I don’t know how that feels. I was there for our wedding, the birth of our girls, the graduations, the birth of our grandsons. So many more great things. Too many to remember here. There are so many good memories, why only remember the bad ones? I was there when he was pushed around by someone who was supposed to be helping raise him into a man. I was there when his grandfather committed suicide. I was there when his little buddy Ian died of a horrible disease at only 16 years old. I was there when we found out our daughter at 2-years-old had asthma, our daughter at 9-years-old has seizures and our daughter at 15 years old has polymyositis. I know he’s worried about my MS. All of this is beyond our control, so I don’t dwell on it. Yes, bad things have happened, but I haven’t let them get to me like he has. I haven’t lived his life.

Why can’t you sleep? I don’t want to talk about it.

What’s wrong now? Nothing.

(Complains about being out of shape)

So, get out of the recliner and do something. Like what?

Go for a walk. It’s too cold/hot/raining/late/etc.

One reason I don’t understand depression is that I don’t get depressed. I’m always asked at my neuro appointments about my depression. I guess people with health conditions get depressed. I didn’t do anything to get MS, it’s not my fault or anyone elses. Why dwell on it and be sad about it. My MS is in remission right now so I’m good. I’m mobile, everything’s working so I have nothing to be upset about. Of course, things could be better. We could work harder towards things we want but I’m lazy. I know I have only what I’m willing to work for. And I’m ok with that. I do get mad, sad, upset and all that but for some reason, it doesn’t stick with me and make me depressed. We joke around that it’s because I’m a Gemini. I think part of it is because I have seen people who are worse off than we are. Kids with horrible diseases that have them in wheelchairs or they die while still little children. People who have lost everything to fire or loss of a job. Things could be way worse than what we have.

Then one day…

(Him) I want a dog.

(Me) A dog? Seriously?

(Him) I want a dog.

(Me) Ugh. Let me look around.

I spoke with someone I know who does service dogs for veterans. He said they only deal with veterans. Ok, I must look farther, no problem. Looked into Susquehanna Service Dogs, could be 2-4 year wait. Hmm. Started looking into shelters or people wanting to re-home a dog. He also spoke with them and they decided that since he was in the fire service, they will help him out. Ok, this means we’re getting a dog. Again, Ugh. Fast forward, speaking to them about what to expect and what they expect. She said a dog is not a cure all. You will get mad at the dog, you will want to give the dog back. You must do training, both obedience and service trainings. You will be expected to follow all the rules. You, not her. She is to tell you that it’s not her (*!@#*) dog. (love that part).

After a while, we get pictures of possible matches. He sees the one he loves. A few weeks later we are introduced. Puppy comes home with us, yes, a puppy. 4 months old. One that has NO training at all. Not house broken. A very hungry puppy with sharp puppy teeth. Quite a few times he said, he’s not working out. I have a book of things the dog has done such as “he’s peeing”, “what’s in his mouth”, “he’s biting me”. He loves the dog and wants to make this work. He needs training on how to train his puppy. Were we ready for a puppy? NO. He has so much energy and we do not. There were days that I let him out because he was just too tired to take the dog out. (lame excuse, I know but I did it). There are days the dog comes to me and not him, which makes him mad of course. But the dog is listening to him more than me at the commands. I’m basically the moving chew toy for the dog at this point. I try to stay out of it but he’s in our home, so he does have to listen to both of us. It’s like you see your kid doing something you don’t want him to, and I have to say something, even though he’s the one who is supposed to take care of the dog.

Since getting the dog, he has talked to the other veterans about various things and is finding out that other people do have feelings like he does. Each person has their own reasons but they’re the same feelings.

Is he still depressed? Yes.

Does he still have nightmares? Yes.

Has the dog helped at all? Yes.

I have witnessed him smiling. He has taken him for walks, we’ve all gone for a walk or hike together. It will get better. I know he sees the other dogs and handlers that work great together and the dog listens without hesitating. They’ll get there. Our current hurdle is getting them out in public. I say they both need socialization skills. They need to know how to act in public, not freak out when there’s a lot of people. Stop missing out on life because someone there might talk to you. Since getting the dog, he has told me he thought about suicide a lot before. He didn’t want to tell me about it since he knows it’s not an answer. He knows the devastation left behind for those you love. He doesn’t want to go down that path, but he also knows it’s there. He still has those thoughts but now he has more responsibilities and someone at home waiting for him. I know his depression will never fully “go away” but hopefully he’ll learn to manage it.

Kelley's husband and his service dog