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Bad Days

  • Jerilyn
  • Nov 26, 2018
  • 3 min read

Updated: Jun 21, 2019

I haven't posted too much lately, and to be honest, it's because I've been feeling pretty crappy and unmotivated. I debated even writing a post about this, but if I want to be open about dealing with depression, I need to talk about the good days along with the bad. I was back to work today after a 4 day weekend for Thanksgiving. It's weird, because I look forward to having days off and time to relax, but sometimes when i have too much time to myself, I struggle. I still have not figured out the perfect balance between when is it necessary, introvert time alone vs isolating. Maybe I'll never know for sure. It's a good thing that I have such a wonderful job - on days where I'm feeling super crappy, it would be even harder to find the motivation to get out of bed if I had a job that I didn't like. My job has been a blessing ever since the day I interviewed and I'm beyond grateful for that. Getting back to work and routine really helped me today.


I've had this bad habit that I've noticed more and more in recent weeks. If I am going to cry, the most likely time I'll do so is right before bed when it is quiet and dark and I have time to be alone with my thoughts. My brain tries to avoid this time, so I'll just stay up late hoping that I'll eventually be so tired that when I do turn my TV and lights off, that I'll fall right asleep. It hasn't worked yet, but that doesn't stop me from continuing to do it thinking "maybe this time it will work!". I always joke that morning Jerilyn hates night Jerilyn because when the alarm goes off at 6am, I wish I had slept more. This past Saturday into Sunday, I watched Game of Thrones until about 3:30 am hoping that I would distract myself, but do you think it worked? Nope!


Saturday was my birthday, and when people asked me how my birthday was, the honest answer is it wasn't that great. First of all it was a rainy, gross day outside. I spent most of the day alone, which was okay. I slept in, got up and did my devotions, put up some Christmas stuff (yes, I did do a small amount of decorating this year) and had a generally quiet day at home. I was looking forward to going out to dinner with a group of friends. As it got closer to dinner time, almost everyone had to cancel. I am not mad at anyone and I am not pointing fingers or trying to give guilt trips; I know that people have busy lives and a plethora of things can come up, but truthfully, when of the 10-15 that were going to come to dinner turns into 3, it hurts and I think anyone would feel the same way if that happened to them. I did have a nice time with those who were able to make it.


I think what made the day and the weekend feel worse is that I remember my birthday very well from last year. It hadn't even been a month since dad died, and before bed, I just sobbed and sobbed about how much I missed him and how lonely and sad I felt. I consoled myself by thinking, okay by next birthday I'm sure I'll feel much better and things will be different. That is why I stayed up so late Saturday into Sunday... I knew I'd cry and I just tried to avoid it. I felt a lot of the same negative feelings that I felt last year and it just made me feel so down - if I feel like I felt last year, have I really come far at all? Have I done anything productive at all in the past year? I know that those questions may sound extreme but the depressed mind usually isn't logical or calm. I realize now that putting a time frame on my grief, even though it was a whole year, isn't something that is helpful or even necessary at this point. Hopefully by next birthday and Thanksgiving, I'll feel better, but if I struggle or have a bad day, I need to not take it as a sign that I have failed in some way.




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