I realized the other day that I am not good at sitting still. Don't get me wrong, I spend plenty of time sitting on my butt binge watching my favorite shows, but I noticed that I rarely just sit there and watch; I always have to be doing something. Frequently, I'll find myself getting up during commercial breaks to do things (fold laundry, clean the litter box, check the mail, load/unload the dishwasher, etc.). If I do actually sit and watch TV, I'm usually on my laptop, knitting or doing my nails. I don't ever just sit - I feel like I always need to be doing a task. I don't know if this makes me feel accomplished? Or that I'm not lazy? Is this a form of anxiety? If I really think about it, the only times where I actually am quiet and still is right before I go to sleep. Those are actually some of my most difficult times because in those moments after I turn my lights out but I'm not asleep yet, that is when my mind starts to go.
Sometimes I lay there and think about things that happened during the day and replay scenarios in my head. Or maybe I plan out the next day or think about things that I wish or want to accomplish. But most often, this is when I really start to miss my dad and all these thoughts and questions surrounding his suicide start to pop up. I think of that day and replay it over again because honestly, it still doesn't feel real. How long had he been planning this? What were my dad's last moments like? Did he feel any kind of physical pain or was it so fast that he never felt it? Most of all, I ask Why? I always thought that once I started to get better, then he would too. Since his depression seemed to start right around my suicide attempt, I just figured that it would get better as he saw that I was improving. Suicide wasn't anywhere on my radar for my dad and looking back I feel so stupid for being so naive.
I feel sad because there are so many conversations that I want to have with my dad. I can't tell you how many times I have seen something and wanted to text him, see his reaction or tell a joke that I know only he would get. Those kinds of things can pop up at any moment throughout the day. I have comfort in knowing that dad is with Jesus, he isn't struggling anymore, and I'll see him again someday, but I still have some really tough days and moments. Not being able to talk to someone that you love with all of your heart is devastating.
I think that the reason I feel like I always need to be doing something is maybe because I am avoiding the possibility that I'll start thinking about things that are painful to me. A lot of people can probably relate to me here - often when anyone is going through a difficult time, they are commonly given the advice to stay busy. This is good advice, but to a point. I am trying to get better at realizing that being still and allowing myself to feel my emotions is healthy and not something to be feared. It isn't fun or enjoyable, but to cope and work through tough times, the more we suppress how we feel, the more likely we are going to continue to struggle. It is going to be a tough habit to break, so feel free to remind me to be still.
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