First post!

I have never blogged before, so this whole thing is new to me and I have to say, one unexpected pressure of doing a blog is coming up with catchy titles and names for things. As if I didn't already feel anxious enough! I feel like my title for this post is kind of lame, but apparently I'm not super creative. Maybe I'll get better the more I do this? Who knows... Anyway...

Thank you for coming to my blog! I have been thinking about doing this for a while now and I finally had the motivation to sit down and get everything set up. As I am writing this, we are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my dad's passing. 1 year already. I cannot believe it. I remember every detail of that day vividly like it was yesterday. We've all heard that saying that "Each day will get better" and I honestly have never found that statement to be true. Each day has good and bad - some days are 50/50, others 80/20 and so on. Depression can already be so unpredictable and when you pile intense grief on top of that it is a whole new ball game. I can feel myself starting to isolate and the colder weather makes me want to stay inside by my fireplace with my cat and a good book or my knitting. That also makes me feel like a little bit of a loser..

When I'm feeling down, it is so easy to slip into depression and stay there. Motivation goes out the window and the Netflix binge watching begins (I love you, Parks & Rec). Over the past year I have learned that there is no set way to deal with depression and grief and there is no timeline. Each person processes and handles things differently. I've had to work very had at being kinder to myself and giving myself grace. It's a battle that I fight multiple times a day. Every weekday I get up at 6 am to go to work until 3 and some days, that is all I'm really able to accomplish. I get home, take a nap and then watch TV and eat Cinnaholic (my new obsession). Other days I'm super productive and I go to the driving range after work and practice until the girls I coach get there. I don't know if this is just me or if a lot of people struggle with this, but I have this mindset that I always need to be doing something productive. I get this anxious energy that I need to be doing something even if I absolutely don't feel like it. I'm trying to get better and listening to my body and not feeling bad if I need rest or a quiet day where I don't do much. I need to stop using the word "should" so much too.... "I should do this" or "I should do that"... then that just makes me feel guilty and lazy and before I know it, I'm back to feeling bad about myself. It's such a fun cycle!

A good, wise friend of mine (I'm looking at you, JEF) kindly helped me to start to shift my perspective. I miss my dad so much every single day, but at least I had a wonderful dad in my life. So many people don't have a father at all in their life, or they don't have good relationships with their dad. I can look back and see how blessed I was. My dad loved me, took care of me, never abused me, and provided for me. So as this 1 year anniversary approaches, I will do my best to remember the many smiles and happy times I had with you, dad. I loved being the baby of the family and daddy's little girl. Every night, I will continue to hug my teddy bear made from your shirt until I can hug you in heaven someday. I love you always!

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