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Healing

Jerilyn
Jun 12, 20193 min read

When you get sick, the logical progression of events is to go to the doctor, get medication, rest, then get better. But how often in life does healing from things actually follow that absolute, linear process? I'm sure all of you know or know of someone who experienced cancer or some illness where they did everything they should have done and their journey to get better was filled with setbacks or bumps in the road. A very close friend of mine lost her brother to Leukemia when she was 16 and he was 13. It was the most curable form of cancer and they did everything "right" with his treatment. Why did he pass when others survive? Almost 15 years later, she still feels his absence in her life. If you look at my dad and me, we both had suicide attempts and depression - I am still here today and he is gone. Why did therapy and medication work for me and not him?


Unfortunately, the process of healing rarely goes how we think it should go. It has been over a year and a half since my dad died and there are times where I think I'm doing well, and then times where I'm still a hot mess. This past weekend was one of those hot mess times... Night time, right before bed is always the worst. I'm laying there quietly, not quite asleep yet, and my mind has time to wander. I think for most people who have been through a trauma or have lost a loved one, the time right before bed is toughest; we are alone with our thoughts. For some reason, Friday night, I couldn't stop thinking about my dad's final moments on this earth. What exactly was going through his head? What were his final thoughts? Did he think about us? Did he know how sad we all would be? My focus went to how lonely and hopeless he must have felt and that devastated me. My beloved dad sitting in his car so depressed that he felt like taking his life was his only option.


I started crying and couldn't stop. I sobbed to the point where I was hyperventilating and having trouble catching my breath. Since I obviously wasn't going to be falling asleep any time soon, I got up and started to do laundry to divert my attention and calm me down. It worked for the moment, but right when I got back in bed, the tears came back. This cycle went on for a while - I ended up getting 3 loads of laundry done. When I finally laid down around 2 am and was able to stop sobbing, I then felt like I was having some kind of issue with restless leg syndrome. I felt like I had to keep moving my legs (then my arms) because I couldn't get comfortable. It was miserable. The next day I still felt raw so I ended up vacuuming my whole upstairs to again try to stop myself from continuing to focus on what was upsetting me. I know when we have emotions we should let ourselves feel and experience them instead of pushing them down, however, there can also be trouble if you let yourself stay there indefinitely. That is what I was trying to avoid because I knew if I let myself stay there, I would go to a bad place mentally.


Luckily, Saturday afternoon I got out to play some golf, and Sunday I went hiking with my college roommates. I am blessed with friends who are SO wonderful and I was grateful that they got me out of the house and lovingly listened to me and validated that it makes sense why I still have hard days. I know that I'll never forget the trauma of October 30th, 2017 and that I'll never stop missing my dad. I will never fully "get over it" or "get better" because these things will always be with me, but I am healing.



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