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How I found out about dad

  • Jerilyn
  • Apr 24, 2019
  • 3 min read

Updated: Jun 21, 2019

It was a nice, sunny Monday - warm for the end of October. When I got the news about my dad, I was at work. That morning, there was a group text between my siblings and me talking about dad's condition and the possibility of having him involuntarily admitted to a mental health facility. Jenn said she was going to my parents house that morning and she was going to start making calls and get things figured out. I was actually feeling pretty good. I was relieved that we were going to get a plan in place and get on the path to helping dad get better.


As the day wore on, I was wondering why I hadn't heard any update of how things were coming along, but didn't have any inkling that something was wrong. Jenn knew that I would be a mess when finding out about dad and she didn't want me to find out over the phone. She came to the office to tell me, and our pastor came along (the same one who visited me in the hospital and read me the verse that is tattoo #1). Jenn had the difficult job of telling all of her siblings about dad. As she opened the front door, I just happened to be walking out towards the front of the building to head to the lunch room. Seeing her didn't clue me in to anything; I was really confused to why she was there. Jenn and Pastor Willard stayed out in the entry way so I walked out there to see what was going on with a puzzled look on my face. Obviously, they both looked very serious and Jenn said "I didn't want you to find this out over the phone, but dad is no longer with us."


As I'm sure you can imagine, I completely lost it. I don't know if I would have fallen over but Jenn grabbed me right away. I remember asking what happened and then saying "This is my fault". My co-worker and work mom, Flo, ran out to me when she saw how hysterical I was and asked what was wrong. I told her what happened and she ran to get the rest of my co-workers. One of them went back to my office and got my things for me and then they said they would follow Jenn with my car. All of my co-workers hugged me and walked me out to Jenn's car and then one followed behind in my car and one of their cars so they could get back to the office. I remember sitting there in complete shock looking out the window - just sobbing and wondering if this was real.


My parents only live about 5 minutes from where I work and I'll never forget what it was like turning on to the street I grew up on. We lived in a cul de sac and the street where I used to play kickball, soccer, tennis and hockey for hours and hours as a kid was now full with police cars, the coroner's van and cars of family members. The spot my dad chose was the garage, and there was a police car in the driveway directly in front of the opened garage door. As I got out of the car, I remember looking up and seeing a police officer standing between me and the entrance to the garage. I started telling my sister that I wanted to see my dad; that I didn't believe what was happening and I needed to see him. It took some convincing, but Jenn and Pastor Willard talked me out of seeing him since I have a vivid memory. I walked in the front door to hugs from my Uncle (dad's brother) and Aunt. Then my mom came over and hugged me- she just wailed.


I hope nobody else has to experience what its like to hear your mom crying as she tells you about hearing your dad kill himself and then running out to the garage to find him. I can't give you words to explain what that felt like.


I think that is all I have the energy to write about today, but I will tell the story about the rest of the day in a future post.

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