Lifting the Burden

In the days, weeks and months following my suicide attempt, so many people said to me "why didn't you call me" or "if you ever feel that way again, please call me". I had so many people tell me this- my friends, coworkers, extended family members, even friends of my sisters or people from my parents' church who I didn't know that well. The truth is, I knew I probably could have reached out to any of these people when I had my attempt, but I didn't want to. I felt like a burden to everyone already and that is part of why my mindset was where it was. I obviously can't speak for everyone who has tried to take their life, but I would bet that a huge percentage of them have had the feeling that it would be easier for everyone else if they weren't here.

My conscious brain did not see any logic in reaching out to others for help. Clearly my unconscious brain did understand that I needed to call for help (see this post to explain that better). Those who knew me well already knew that my anxiety was bad and that I was really having a hard time. They saw my mental state and they felt bad because as much as they cared about me, they could not make my anxiety go away. It then made me feel worse to see my loved ones feel so bad that they couldn't make me better. In some of the days leading up to my attempt, the thought of reaching out to someone ever so briefly crossed my mind but I swiftly talked myself out of it. Some of the reasons I would use to talk myself out of asking friends for help was:

- This friend has kids that she is busy with, I don't want to be even more of a burden on her

- This friend doesn't live super close. I don't want to inconvenience them to come be with me

- It's late and this friend has to work. I don't want to make them tired for work tomorrow.

These are just a few examples, but I was excellent at talking myself into thinking that I was a huge burden to everyone who knew me. I think a lot of people who have mental health issues struggle with feeling this way whether they have attempted suicide or not. For me, when I'm feeling very anxious or depressed and I can't pinpoint why exactly I'm feeling that way, it irritates me. I then assume that since it is bugging me, then it must be annoying to everyone else. Nobody has ever told me that I'm a burden when I'm having a bad day or rough time and any time I have opened up about what I'm feeling, my friends have always willingly listened to me and been there for me. I also know that if anyone I knew was going through a tough time, I would be happy to listen to them and be supportive in any way that I can.

Why do we tell ourselves that we are burdens to other people when we are struggling? It's a lie. To anyone reading this, when you're having a bad day, or your struggling with anxiety, depression, OCD, etc., YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. Please reach out to someone. They may not be able to make your problems or your hurt go away, but they will be glad to be there for you. I still do struggle with this thought process sometimes, but I am getting bettet at challenging the lies that my brain comes up with. Thank you to the many people who have been there for me and continue to support me ❤ ❤

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