Tattoo Therapy

I have thought about getting a tattoo for a while, but never actually did it because I had no idea what I wanted to get. I didn't want something dumb that in 10, 15, 20 years I'd look back and say "why the heck did I get that tattoo?". My first thought was to get a Bible verse, but I never had a special or favorite verse that stood out to me. I finally decided on what tattoo #1 would be when I was in the hospital after my suicide attempt. On March 1, 2017, I tried to overdose and obviously failed. When I woke up in the hospital, I was very out of it, but I remember mumbling something to my sister, Jenn, asking her, "how did I get here?" and she replied "YOU called 9-1-1". This answer confused me and in my groggy state, I fell back asleep. Once I had recovered, I was involuntarily admitted to the mental health unit for a minimum of 5 days. I have tons of stories to share about my time on that floor, but I'll break those up into other posts.

When you're in the mental health unit of the hospital, you're on lockdown. I was in an L shaped hallway that consisted of the patient rooms, nurses station, a small TV room and cafeteria. No cell phones are allowed and when you have visitors, they have to leave everything in a locker and come through a metal detector to see you. On weekdays, the only time for visitors was 7-8pm and on Saturdays & Sundays, they added a 1-2pm visiting hour. I spent most of the first 2 days crying and trying to figure out how to get out of there because I hated it so much. Apparently, my first evening there (Friday), I was hostile and mean, but I don't remember any of that because I was still pretty messed up. I do remember calling my dad telling him to get a lawyer to get me out of here and that I was being held against my will, but he said no.

That Sunday afternoon, I was informed I had a visitor, which surprised me since it wasn't normal visiting hours. I was taken to a small conference room and saw the pastor from my church who has known me my whole life. Since he is clergy, he was able to visit outside the normal times. It was so comforting to see him and have him come spend time with me. To be honest, I don't really remember most of our conversation, but I do remember talking to him about my 9-1-1 call. I had been thinking about it ever since Jenn told me that I was the one who had called. Why did I call? If I was trying to take my life, why would I call 9-1-1? HOW did I call? The effects of my attempted OD left me whacked out for days; how did I have the capacity to even pick up the phone and call? I was in an ambulance within an hour of my attempt.

As I was asking these questions, he opened his Bible and started paging through until he got to Psalms. He read me chapter 34 verse 7:

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them."

He quietly shut his Bible and looked up at me and said "maybe you didn't call". This was the ultimate "mind blown" moment for me. I have always believed in God and that He is always with me, but this actual, concrete example gave me chills. We talked a bit more and he prayed with me and left. That evening, it hit me that I finally had a verse that was "mine" and I could finally get my long awaited tattoo.

I am normally a plan ahead person, but with my tattoos, it has always been spur of the moment. For this one and my 3rd one, once I had it in my head that I wanted them, I had to get it, like NOW. Part of my thought process was that I was having a day where I was feeling awful and I figured, well, if I feel this horrible, I might as well feel some physical pain as well. I never knew this, but someone told me this is a common mindset for people who self harm. Luckily I have not felt the temptation to hurt myself, but when I get in that mindset, I want my tattoo and I want it now. Even though the process is somewhat painful, it felt very therapeutic and like it was helping me get the pain out.

I definitely have more of an understanding now of when people say once you get one tattoo, you'll want more. Totally true for me! My 2nd and 3rd tattoos have stories behind them so I'll share about that another time. And maybe one of these days I'll have tattoo #4 to share about! 🤷‍♀️🤩😜

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